I'm not a fan of small talk, I prefer my conversations like I prefer my coffee: strong and to the point.

I have a PhD in sarcasm. It's totally useless but impressively condescending.

I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm just too awesome for you to handle.

I can resist everything except temptation.

I don't have a bad memory. I'm just too advanced for my time.

I'm not disorganized. I'm creatively flexible.

I wasn't ignoring you. I was just giving you a chance to talk behind my back.

Excuse me while I run my latest marathon... in my mind.

I'm not procrastinating. I'm strategically delaying success.

Why be a king when you can be a joker? It's way less responsibility.

I don't always have a witty comeback. But when I do, I come back an hour later.

Yes, I have a resting b*tch face. It's my version of a poker face.

I'm not ignoring your calls. I'm just giving my phone some space to breathe.

I don't need an inspirational quote. I need a nap and a snack.

I love Monday mornings. They're like a warm hug from a cactus.

Oh, you're a fan of the latest trend? I prefer setting trends by not following any.

I'm currently experiencing life at approximately 15 WTFs per hour.

I told my friend I could make a car out of spaghetti. You should've seen his face when I drove pasta.

My colleague can no longer attend next week's seminar about procrastination. He's putting it off.

I bet the butcher five bucks he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He refused, saying the steaks were too high.

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He said, 'Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?'