Just remember, I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I'm right.

I could give up sarcasm, but where's the fun in that?

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I like you. It could just be gas.

I don't need a map, I have a talent for getting lost everywhere I go.

I don't need a reality check. I've already maxed out my sarcasm credit card.

Sure, I'll change my ways. Right after pigs learn to fly.

Oh wow, look at all the awards I didn't win.

I'm not saying I'm a pro at everything, but I did eat breakfast this morning.

I don't need a personal trainer, I have my own special way of avoiding exercise.

Sure, I'll stop being sarcastic. As soon as people stop being stupid.

I don't have a favorite color, but I do have a favorite shade of sarcasm.

My bed is a sacred place where I refuse to do anything productive.

I'm sorry for what I said when I was hungry. Actually, no, I stand by it.

I don't have a bucket list. I have a f**k it list.

I'm not clumsy. It's just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in the way.

I'm not opinionated, I'm just always right.

I'm not rude, I'm honest. I just speak what everyone else is thinking.

I'm not a morning person. I need an entire pot of coffee to speak two words.

I don't need a hairstylist, my hair is in a committed relationship with gravity.

I'm not funny, I'm just mean and people think I'm joking.

Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?