I'm not saying I'm a comedian, but I once told a joke so dry that even the Sahara desert would need a glass of water.

I'm not saying I'm a mind reader, but I can always predict when the vending machine will be out of my favorite snack.

I'm not saying I'm a math genius, but I can calculate exactly how many minutes are left in my workday down to the second.

I'm not saying I'm a perfectionist, but I did rearrange my pantry by color and size.

I'm not saying I'm a procrastinator, but I once procrastinated on procrastinating.

I'm not saying I'm a mind-reader, but I can predict with 100% accuracy when my phone battery will die.

I'm not saying I'm picky, but I've been known to spend an hour choosing the right emoji.

I'm not saying I'm a magician, but I can make a plate of cookies disappear in record time.

I'm not saying I'm psychic, but I can always tell when it's time to order more toilet paper.

I'm not saying I'm a terrible cook, but my smoke alarm is my most-used kitchen appliance.

I'm not saying I'm an adrenaline junkie, but I do enjoy living life on the edge of hitting the snooze button.

I'm not saying I'm a social butterfly, but scrolling through social media counts as socializing, right?

I'm not saying I'm a fashionista, but I can rock the 'I woke up like this' look like nobody's business.

I'm not a people person, I'm a leave-me-alone-and-let-me-read-my-book person.

I'm not flirting, I'm just exceptionally good at sarcasm.

I'm not passive-aggressive, I'm aggressively ignoring your nonsense.

I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but I have a PhD in procrastination.

Why be normal when you can be delightfully sarcastic?

I'm not proud of my sarcasm, but I'm not about to change either.

I'm not saying I'm better than you, but I'm definitely not worse.

Why be socially awkward when you can just be selectively social?