Money can't buy happiness, but I'd rather cry in a Ferrari.

I asked the waiter if he had anything vegan. He pointed to the door.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

I love when my alarm clock wakes me up before it's even had a chance to snooze.

They say the early bird catches the worm, so I guess that makes me a night owl.

I tried to be a life coach, but turns out most people don’t appreciate my 'just wing it' approach.

I don’t need anger management classes. I need people to stop irritating me.

My bank account is proof that I'm good at making money disappear miraculously.

I always look both ways before crossing the street. You never know when a parked car might try to run me over.

I tell people I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it. It’s been working out great for my waistline.

I started a 30-day fitness challenge. Thirty days later, I’m still debating when to start.

I refuse to get a smartwatch because I already have a smart phone that judges my life choices.

My doctor told me to cut back on caffeine. So I decided to only have coffee on days that end with 'y'.

I'm not saying I'm a perfectionist, but I did write a complaint to the company that makes erasers for not working perfectly.

I love when people tell me to 'just calm down.' Great advice! That never would have crossed my mind.

My computer crashed and now it's asking me which neighbor it should share the details of our relationship with.

I always make sure to arrive fashionably late to meetings so that everyone remembers how important I am.

It's amazing how quickly my salary disappears the moment it hits my bank account. Magic!

I'm not saying I'm indecisive, but why settle on one option when you can procrastinate on multiple ones?

I'm not a night owl, I just enjoy the peaceful ambiance of the world at 3 AM.

I'm not clumsy, I'm just practicing for a career in rearranging furniture with my body.