I'd like to help you out today, which way did you come in?

I'm not clumsy, I'm just exploring the floor for new snack ideas.

Do you know what's even better than winning an argument? Not having it in the first place.

I love it when people find joy in little things, like poking fun at my expense.

I'm not a procrastinator, I'm just really good at doing things at the last possible minute.

I don't have a fear of heights, I have a fear of widths.

I'm not a control freak, I just want things done my way.

Please don't interrupt me while I'm ignoring you.

I don't like making plans, because then I have to stick to them.

Some people call it multi-tasking, I call it messing up several things at once.

Doctors have the best sense of humor. They can make you wait for an hour and then charge you for only 5 minutes.

I finally found the perfect diet. You just walk past the fridge every day.

I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He replied, 'Wii.'

If procrastination was an Olympic sport, I'd wait until the last minute to sign up.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2 AM. Lucky for him I was up practicing my tuba.

I must be a great cook because every time I make a recipe, the smoke alarm cheers me on.

I keep all my secrets in a locked safe. It's called my brain.

I love going for walks. It's like being chased by my own thoughts, but with better scenery.

I told my dog he's the best thing that ever happened to me. He wagged his tail and went back to sleep.

I don't need a hairstylist, I just let my hair do its own thing. It's called the 'bedhead chic' look.

I love it when people tell me to 'just be yourself'. Who else would I be, a potato?