I told my friend I'm trying to eat healthier. He asked if that includes all-you-can-eat buffets.

I told my cat I'm going to start working out. She gave me a look that said, 'good luck with that'.

I told my friend I'm taking up meditation. He asked if it helps with dealing with annoying people.

I told my dad I'm going to start jogging. He said, 'is that like walking, but faster?'

I tried to learn a new language. Apparently, gibberish doesn't count.

I told my brother I'm going to start reading more books. He said, 'you mean finishing the first chapter?'

I tried to start a fitness routine. The only thing I managed to consistently lift was the TV remote.

I told my friend I'm going to start cooking at home more. He asked if I know how to use a microwave.

I signed up for a cooking class. The instructor asked if I can identify a potato. I said, 'probably not'.

I told my friend I want to adopt a healthier lifestyle. He asked if that includes sleeping more.

I don't always vacuum, but when I do, it's only because I dropped something on the floor.

I told my friend I have a fear of elevators. He said, 'that sounds like an uplifting experience'.

I asked my coworker if she wants to join the company basketball team. She said, 'I already dribble enough at work'.

I tried to give up chocolate for Lent. It only lasted for a few hours.

I told my dog I'm on a new diet. He gave me a look that said, 'you've said that before'.

I signed up for a yoga class. The instructor told me to 'relax'. I said, 'this is my relaxed face'.

I told my sister I'm learning to play the guitar. She said, 'more like learning to annoy the neighbors'.

I told my friend I'm learning to juggle. He asked if it's for my multitasking skills.

I tried to become a vegetarian, but bacon had other plans.

I told my mom I want to travel the world. She said, 'start with your room'.

I told my friend I'm learning to code. He asked if I can fix his computer.