I love it when my printer suddenly decides it's out of ink when I'm in the middle of printing something important. It's like a surprise 'ha ha, gotcha!' moment.

My favorite thing about deadlines is the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

I asked my boss for a raise, and he gave me a new title instead: 'Employee of the Month... every month'.

I love when my phone battery dies at the most inconvenient times. It's like a fun game of 'will they or won't they find a charger'.

I'll stop wearing black when they invent a darker color.

I'm not saying I'm a control freak, but if you could all just do exactly what I say, that'd be great.

I'm not a morning person or a night owl, I'm more of a permanently exhausted pigeon.

I get all my exercise jumping to conclusions and running late.

I love it when my camera decides to focus on the least important part of the picture. It's like a surprise artistic touch.

I'm not a baker, but I knead the dough.

I tried to embrace my fears, but they hugged back and now we're in therapy.

The best way to find peace and quiet is to lose your voice.

If you ever need a champion procrastinator, I'm your person... eventually.

I love it when my computer freezes right when I'm in the middle of something important. It's like a surprise break.

My landlord said I can't have pets, so I told him my plants identify as cats.

I love when people point out my mistakes... I hadn't noticed them before.

I'm on a strict diet. It's called 'I try to eat healthy, but then the chocolate calls my name.'

I always say 'in moderation'... right before I completely indulge in something.

I don't believe in stress-eating, I prefer to eat my feelings calmly.

I'm really good at making plans to go to the gym... and that's where it ends.

I don't sweat, I sparkle with exhaustion.