I've mastered the art of taking 'five more minutes' to a whole new level.

I believe in setting achievable goals... like getting out of bed today.

I started a band called 999MB... we haven't got a gig yet.

I'm not saying my boss is lazy, but when he told me to have a good day, he added 'but not too good.'

I love when I ask someone for their opinion and they respond with 'I don't really have one.' Wow, what a hot take.

I sprung forward for daylight savings time and now I can't find myself.

I love waking up early to give myself more time to procrastinate.

My friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So, I had to put my foot down.

I always keep a spare house key in my car, just in case I forget where I parked.

I'm terrible at math, but I still try to count my blessings.

I'm not saying I'm indecisive, or am I?

I don't always roll a joint, but when I do, it's usually my ankle.

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is when you need an alibi.

I hate sleeping because then I can't browse the internet for more reasons to procrastinate.

I love when people tell me to be more spontaneous. It's like they don't even know me.

I asked my friend how much he wanted for a ladder. He said 'step by step'.

I love when my phone autocorrects my curse words. It's like having a tiny judgmental mother in my pocket.

My memory is so good, I can remember all the embarrassing things I've done in perfect detail.

I asked my boss for a raise. He told me to put it in a suggestion box. The funny thing is, there is no suggestion box.

I love how my computer always knows what I want to do next, except when it freezes.

I signed up for a painting class. The instructor explained the basics, I still painted a stick figure.