I told my parents I want to be a stand-up comedian... they laughed for all the wrong reasons.

I'm not saying I'm bad at relationships, but my dating history is more like a comedy of errors.

I decided to give up coffee for a week... I spent the entire time in a state of disbelief.

I told my friends I'm working on my anger management issues... they didn't buy it.

I can always count on my car to break down at the worst possible moment... it's like a sixth sense.

I love when my watch stops working... it's like time itself is taking a break.

I tried to organize my closet, but it just ended up being a reflection of my chaotic life.

I told my therapist I have a fear of commitment... he hasn't returned my calls since.

I'm not saying I'm addicted to social media, but my phone did stage an intervention.

I love when my computer crashes unexpectedly... it's like a surprise party I never wanted.

I'm not saying I'm a perfect driver, but I do have a talent for finding the slowest lane on the highway.

I told my boss I have a rare condition where I can only work from home... He didn't buy it.

I tried to come up with a joke about air conditioning, but it just kept blowing hot air.

I can't believe how easily some people make decisions... I can't even choose a Netflix show to watch.

I'm convinced my car has a mind of its own... it always decides to break down at the most inconvenient times.

I told my friends I'm training for a marathon... they couldn't stop laughing.

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but have you noticed how quickly ice cream melts when you're not looking?

I'm not a great cook, but I can microwave like a pro.

I told my plants they were looking a little green... now they won't stop bragging about it.

I love it when my computer randomly restarts in the middle of important work. It's like a surprise intermission.

I love it when people say 'it's easy' after they've just explained something incredibly complicated. Oh, is it easy? Thanks for clearing that up.