I'm not saying I'm paranoid, but I think my toaster is plotting against me.

I love when my wifi goes out right when I'm about to win a game... thanks for the reminder that I have no control over my life.

I love how my plants always die, despite my best efforts to ignore them.

I asked my cat for some relationship advice... he knocked over a vase and ran away.

I love how my phone always dies at the most inconvenient times... like right when I need to check Instagram.

I asked my mom for cooking advice... now we just order takeout.

I'm not saying I'm great at multitasking, but I can scroll through social media while pretending to listen to you.

I love when my waiter gets my order wrong... it's like a surprise party for my taste buds.

I asked my personal trainer to help me get abs... he handed me a six-pack of beer.

I love when my friends cancel plans last minute... it's like winning the social lottery.

I asked my boss for a raise... he told me to work harder at asking for raises.

I love how my computer always updates right when I'm in the middle of something important... timing, am I right?

I asked my therapist for advice on stress management... she laughed.

I'm not saying I'm a tea addict, but I frequently ponder the meaning of life whilst sipping tea.

I love how the weatherman always predicts accuracy... about as accurate as my horoscope.

I'm not saying I'm a fashionista, but I do enjoy wearing socks with sandals.

I love when my alarm clock wakes me up before it's supposed to... like a little pre-sleep deprivation.

I asked my teacher for extra homework... just to see the disappointment in their eyes.

I'm not saying I'm an expert in everything, but I did Google it once.

I love when my favorite song comes on the radio right as I pull into the driveway... Thanks, universe.

I asked my mechanic for a reliable car... he told me to buy a bike.