I tried to be a model once, but they said I was too short and too wide.

I'm so bad at directions, even my GPS has given up on me.

I thought about going on a diet, but then I remembered my love for pizza.

I'm not a great singer, but I can definitely hit those high notes when I stub my toe.

I once tried to impress someone by doing a backflip, now I have a concussion.

I'm not afraid of heights, I'm just highly suspicious of depths.

I'm not the best at math. I once tried to calculate how much sleep I've lost, but fell asleep in the middle of the equation.

I'm not a great driver. I always take the scenic route to avoid making left turns.

I'm not good at small talk. I once asked someone how their dog's job was going.

I was going to tell you a joke about procrastination, but I'll do it later.

I put the 'fun' in 'funky', but only on weekends.

I don't always take selfies, but when I do, I make sure no one is around to witness it.

I don't need a gym membership, my fridge provides enough exercise running to it every ten minutes.

I'm not a morning person, or an afternoon person. Come to think of it, I'm not really a person at all.

I tried to be a doctor, but I just didn't have the patients.

I may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but I sure know how to color.

I don't need a valentine, I have a refrigerator full of food that loves me unconditionally.

I'm not a quitter, I'm just on a prolonged coffee break from life.

I don't have a smart phone, I have a genius phone that is too advanced for me to use.

I'm not good at math, but I can count on my fingers, so there's that.

I don't like to brag, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.