I asked my mirror who the most handsome person in the room was. It pointed to the door.

I tried to impress my date by telling her I had a PhD. She thought it stood for 'Pretty huge disappointment'.

I took a selfie and thought it was a nice picture until someone asked me why I was holding a calculator to my face.

I joined a gym and asked the trainer how long it would take to be in shape. He said 'I don't know, we've never had anyone quit before'.

I bought a shirt that said 'I'm with stupid' and no one wanted to stand next to me.

I tried to learn how to dance but my feet filed a formal complaint.

I once got stood up on a date because I forgot to confirm with my imaginary friend.

I'm so unathletic, I get out of breath just watching sports on TV.

I'm so bad at dancing, people think I'm doing the Macarena when I'm just walking.

I'm so clumsy, I trip over my own self-esteem.

I'm not saying I'm a hypochondriac, but I once googled 'how to stop googling symptoms.'

I went to a psychic who told me I have a bright future... but I think she was just trying to make me feel better.

I tried to learn a new language online, but now I can only say 'I am a potato' in 12 different languages.

I tried to make a list of all my talents. It was blank.

My family tree is more like a shrub.

I told my therapist that my jokes are terrible. She said, 'At least you're consistent.'

I entered a pun contest. I submitted ten puns trying to win, but no pun in ten did.

I tried to learn a new language, but even Google Translate gave up on me.

I tried to take up a new hobby, but my talent for quitting got in the way.

I went to the gym, but I think my workout video is on backward. I still can’t shake off the pounds.

I got a job at the bakery, but they told me I was too crumby.