I start every diet with a lot of enthusiasm and end it with a lot of pizza.

I always manage to trip over flat surfaces. Gravity just loves me that much.

Even my shadow leaves me when it's too dark.

I joined a support group for people who have lost their keys. Turns out it was just a bunch of strangers wondering how I got in.

My computer asks 'Are you sure?' whenever I try to save my work. I feel the judgment.

I'm so bad at directions that even my GPS rolls its eyes at me.

I have a black belt in online shopping and a white belt in working out.

My idea of multitasking is burning dinner while watching a tutorial on how to cook.

I'm at my most confident when nobody is around to witness it.

I always manage to spill something on myself when wearing a white shirt. It's like a talent at this point.

I don't need a personal trainer, I need a personal motivator to get off the couch.

I panic every time someone asks for my Wi-Fi password. It's like they're asking for my firstborn child.

I thought about getting in shape but then I realized round is a shape too.

I'm so clumsy, I once spilled an entire drink on myself and blamed it on a sudden rainstorm indoors.

I'm so indecisive, I once spent an hour at the grocery store deciding between two brands of ketchup.

I'm so forgetful, I once set my phone down and then panicked because I thought I lost it.

I'm so uncoordinated, I once tripped over a slow-moving turtle.

I'm so bad at technology, I once texted my mom asking her to 'like' a picture on Instagram.

I'm so bad at math, I once failed a multiple-choice test with a 50-50 chance of guessing right.

I'm so clumsy, I once managed to trip over my own shoelaces while wearing flip-flops.

I'm so unathletic, I once sprained my ankle walking on an escalator.