I'm so bad at sports, my Fitbit congratulates me for just getting out of bed.

I'm so uncoordinated, I make a sloth look agile.

I'm so unathletic, my cardio workout is just climbing stairs.

I'm so awkward, I apologize to inanimate objects when I bump into them.

I'm so bad at singing, my shower head runs cold just to drown me out.

I'm so bad at decision-making, choosing between two flavors of ice cream feels like a life-altering choice.

I asked my mirror for some fashion advice, and it shattered.

I applied for a job as a waiter, but they said they already had enough accidents waiting to happen.

I like to think I'm a good listener, but then I remembered I interrupt myself all the time.

I signed up for a procrastination support group, but I keep putting off attending the meetings.

I always judge myself for eating an entire pizza, but then I remember I'm just prepping for my future career as a competitive eater.

I tried meditating but my mind wandered off to make a to-do list for tomorrow.

I decided to learn a new language, but even Google Translate thinks my accent is terrible.

I tell myself I'll go to the gym, but then I remember I don't even know where my gym shoes are.

I went to a party and told a joke, but I was the only one laughing.

I tried giving myself a pep talk in the mirror, but I ended up arguing with myself.

I thought about getting a tattoo, but then I remembered I can't commit to a Netflix series, let alone a design on my body.

I like to think I'm a DIY expert, until my Pinterest project turns into a Pinterest fail.

I went to a job interview thinking I nailed it, only to realize I had my shirt on inside out the whole time.

I asked my mirror for advice, it laughed at me.

My plant died because I forgot to water it. I can't even keep a plant alive, let alone my own life.