I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.

I was told I should embrace my flaws - so now I'm hugging a mirror.

I'm so bad at socializing, I have awkward conversations with my own reflection.

I'm so bad at budgeting, my bank account cries every time I check it.

I'm so bad at budgeting, my bank account laughed at me.

I'm so bad at DIY projects, even the instructions don't believe in me.

I'm so bad at telling jokes, my own shadow unfollowed me on Instagram.

I'm so bad at technology, I still think LOL means Lots of Love.

I'm so out of shape, my spirit animal is a couch potato.

I'm so bad at cooking, I consider cereal a gourmet meal.

I'm so clumsy, I managed to stub my toe on my own shadow.

I once got lost in my own neighborhood... using Google Maps.

I have a love-hate relationship with my alarm clock. More hate than love, though.

I'm the reason why they put 'do not microwave' on random household items.

My dance moves are best described as a combination of 'dad at a wedding' and 'hermit crab on ice'.

I have the resting heart rate of a caffeinated squirrel. It's a gift, really.

I'm the person who tries to play it cool but ends up accidentally setting something on fire.

I can never remember where I parked my car, but I have the lyrics to songs from the 90s memorized. Priorities, right?

I'm the human embodiment of 'close but no cigar'. Story of my life.

I have a 'PhD' in procrastination. Still working on my thesis, though.

I'm a walking, talking example of what not to do in social situations.