I’m like a magnetic field – always repelling people.

I tried to be a comedian but the audience was laughing at me, not with me.

I’m so accident-prone, even my insurance company has a special category for me.

I’m like a coupon – easily discarded and rarely used.

I tried yoga but I’m more of a shavasna-whoops-I-fell-asleep kind of person.

I’m so bad at time management, I’m always fashionably late to my own funeral.

I tried to be a social butterfly but I’m more of a social moth.

I’m like a stock photo model – fake smiles all around.

I’m so indecisive, even my Magic 8-Ball gives up and says “try again later”.

I'm so bad at singing, my shower head refuses to echo my voice.

I'm so bad at sports, my Fitbit congratulates me for taking a rest day every day.

I'm so bad at fashion, my socks have given up matching each other.

I'm so bad at taking compliments, I once argued with someone who said I have nice hair.

I'm so bad at technology, my computer screen displays a frown emoji every time I use it.

I'm so bad at budgeting, my bank sends me a thank you card for keeping them in business.

I'm so bad at dating, even my cat ignores me when I try to cuddle.

I'm so bad at texting, I once sent a heart emoji to my boss instead of my partner.

I'm so bad with technology that my computer gives me error messages in Morse code.

I'm so bad at gardening that my plants have started a support group.

I'm so bad with money that even Monopoly rejects my credit card.

I'm so unathletic that my Fitbit sends me an electric shock whenever I sit down.