I'm not overweight, I'm just undertall.

I'm so bad at cooking, my smoke alarm congratulates me on a job well done.

I bought a talking parrot. Now it won't stop asking me why I'm single.

I tried to learn from my mistakes, but I keep forgetting the lesson.

I have a face for radio and a voice for silent films.

I went to a psychic to see my future. She handed me a mirror.

I tried to compete in a hot dog eating contest, but I couldn't cut the mustard.

I once tried to break a world record for procrastination, but I'll do it tomorrow.

I tried to be a stand-up comedian, but I couldn't stand myself.

I tried to organize my life, but my Netflix queue has other plans.

I asked the universe for a sign. It gave me a 'no entry' symbol.

I'm so bad at technology, I accidentally called my microwave while trying to text my friend.

I'm so bad at math, I once tried to calculate my age in dog years and ended up confusing myself.

I'm so bad at gardening, I planted fake flowers because I couldn't keep real ones alive.

I'm so bad at relationships, I once got dumped in my own dream.

I'm so bad at DIY projects, I once glued my own fingers together trying to fix a broken mug.

I'm so bad at singing, my neighbors once thought a cat was dying when I was in the shower.

I'm so bad at budgeting, I once bought a $5 cup of coffee and couldn't afford lunch for the rest of the week.

I'm so bad at fashion, I once wore mismatched shoes to a job interview and didn't notice until halfway through.

I'm so bad at time management, I once missed a dentist appointment because I was too busy binge-watching Netflix.

I'm so bad at singing, even my shower head asks me to stop.