I'm like a human tornado - I leave a mess wherever I go.

I'm not afraid of commitment, I'm just really good at avoiding it.

I'm like a plant, I need sunlight, water, and someone to remind me to stop slouching.

I always try to stay positive, but my blood type is B-negative.

I'm not a morning person, I'm barely a person at all before coffee.

I tried to organize a hide and seek tournament, but I couldn't find anybody to play with me.

I asked my mirror for some advice, but it just reflected back on me.

I would tell you a joke about my bed, but it hasn't been made yet.

I decided to join a health club and get in shape. I realized I'm in shape... round is a shape, right?

I'm so bad at flirting, I accidentally swiped left on myself.

I'm so clumsy, I once tripped over a wireless connection.

People say I have a great sense of humor, but that's just my face trying to make up for it.

I'm not saying I'm indecisive, but sometimes I struggle to pick a favorite color... or was it a favorite food? Actually, it might have been a favorite movie... oh well, I can't decide.

I'm so bad at cooking, my smoke alarm cheers me on.

I was born to be wild, but only until 9pm.

I'm not old, I'm just retro.

I'm so bad at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes open.

I'm so uncoordinated, I trip over wireless internet.

I always feel like the ugly friend in a group photo. Oh wait, that's just a selfie.

I tried to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.

I asked my mirror for advice. Now it keeps showing me the door.