I'm not aging; I'm just becoming a classic.

I tried to do a juice cleanse, but after 2 hours, I decided solid food was my true calling.

I'm not a control freak; I just know a better way of doing everything.

My dancing style can best be described as 'exorcism chic.'

I'm not bad at cooking; I'm just really good at burning things.

According to my Fitbit, my exercise routine consists of walking to the fridge and back.

I was once voted 'Most likely to become a meme' in high school.

People say I have a great face for radio.

I don't have a beer belly; it's more of a beer storage unit.

I asked my mirror on the wall who's the fairest of them all, and it replied, 'Not you.'

I'm so bad at puns, I once made a dad joke that made actual dads cringe.

I'm so bad at organizing, I once color-coded my clothes and still couldn't find anything to wear.

I'm so bad at driving, I once accidentally turned on the windshield wipers instead of the blinker.

I'm so terrible at singing, I once cleared out a karaoke bar with my rendition of 'Bohemian Rhapsody'.

I'm so bad at sports, I once managed to score a goal for the other team.

I'm so bad with money, I once thought a $100 bill was a fancy napkin.

I'm so clumsy, I once accidentally put my shirt on inside out and didn't notice until the end of the day.

I'm so bad at dancing, my two-step looks more like a stumble-shuffle.

I'm so bad at public speaking, I once tripped over the microphone cord and knocked it over.

I'm so bad at remembering passwords, I once locked myself out of my own computer.

I'm so clumsy, I once dropped my phone in the toilet while trying to text and walk.