I signed up for a personality test, and it came back inconclusive. Apparently, even the test couldn't figure me out.

I attempted to make a DIY project from Pinterest, but it turned out so bad it actually went viral – for all the wrong reasons.

I'm not saying I'm a failure, but when I look up 'success' in the dictionary, there's a picture of someone else.

My doctor told me to start exercising, so now I drive past the gym and wave.

I was excited to start a new diet, but then I remembered I have the willpower of a vending machine.

I tried to join a club for procrastinators, but I haven't gotten around to submitting my application yet.

I went to a party and everyone was talking about their accomplishments. I said I can tie my shoes without bending over.

I thought about starting a YouTube channel, but I wasn't sure anyone would want to watch paint dry for hours.

I signed up for a marathon, but I got winded just reading the registration form.

I tried to cook a fancy meal for my friends, but we ended up ordering pizza because I burnt the salad.

I went to a dance class and the instructor asked everyone to partner up. I ended up slow dancing with a plant.

I tried to learn a new language, but then I realized I can't even pronounce my own name correctly.

I thought about getting a tattoo to show off my personality, but then I remembered I have the personality of a brick.

I tried to impress my friends by telling them I go to the gym regularly. They laughed and asked which gym I was referring to, Jim's Pizza or Jimmy's Donuts.

I went to the doctor and he told me to start exercising. I told him I already exercise my right to not workout.

I tried to become a fashion icon, but it turns out sweatpants and bedhead aren't in style this season.

I just got a new job playing hide and seek. The only problem is I'm still hiding from my last employer.

I told my therapist about my paranoia, and he told me not to worry, he doesn’t exist.

I tried to impress my date by telling her I own a self-cleaning oven. She wasn't impressed when I showed her my microwave.

I asked my crush out on a date, and she said 'Sorry, I'm already in a committed relationship with my cat.'

I'm so lazy, I have a bookmark in my TV guide.