I'm not saying I have a big ego, but even my shadow needs its own space.

I tried to start a diet, but it just left a bad taste in my mouth.

I asked my mirror for some advice on looking good. It laughed.

I thought about joining a support group for procrastinators, but I keep putting it off.

I tried to organize a Netflix marathon, but I got tired from just thinking about it.

I'd say I'm pretty average... but even then I'd probably be overestimating.

I once got into an argument with a mirror. I don't think I'll speak to myself anytime soon.

I tried to be a pessimist, but I couldn't keep up with the negative thoughts.

I always get nervous meeting new people. But then I remember, they have to meet me too.

I pretended to be a people person once. It was exhausting.

I'm not great at math, but at least I can count on my fingers.

I'm the kind of person who can never remember where I parked my car, even in a small parking lot.

I'm the kind of person who always manages to lock themselves out of the house, even with a spare key hidden outside.

I'm the kind of person who always gets lost in department stores and ends up in the bedding section.

I'm so bad at adulting, I once tried to pay for groceries with a library card.

I'm the kind of person who can never figure out which way is 'push' and which way is 'pull' on a door.

I'm so bad at remembering passwords, I once got locked out of my own computer for three days.

I'm the kind of person who always falls for online shopping scams and ends up with a closet full of useless gadgets.

I'm so bad at handling spicy food, I once mistook a jalapeno for a bell pepper and regretted it for days.

I'm the kind of person who always accidentally hits 'reply all' on emails.

I'm the kind of person who can never seem to find their phone, even when it's in their hand.