Why was the potato a great detective? Because it kept its eyes peeled.

When does a joke become a 'dad' joke? When the punchline is a-parent.

Why did the chicken sit on the egg? It was trying to keep it warm.

I told my friend a joke about construction. He didn't get it.

Why did the tomato turn blue? It was feeling a little off.

I saw a man at the gym lifting weights. I thought to myself, 'Wow, that guy lifts weights.'

I asked my dog if he wanted to hear a joke. He wagged his tail.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She said, 'Like you embraced me?'

I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anesthesia during surgery. He said no.

Knock knock. Who's there? Door. Door who? Doorbell.

I named my iPod 'Titanic'. It's syncing now.

I got a new job handing out pamphlets in the park. It's terrible. I don't know how to read.

How does an octopus go to war? Well-armed.

Why did the tomato get beat up? Because it was in a stew.

I had a fear of hurdles, but I eventually got over them.

I once dated a baker, but she kept loafing around.

Ever tried to eat a clock? It's time-consuming.

I told my wife she should do lunges to stay in shape. That would really push her buttons.

Why did the musician go to jail? He got caught in a bad rap.

Why did the shark refuse dessert? It's already stuffed.

Why did the tadpole feel lonely? It was lost in spawn.