Why couldn't the bicycle find love? It was two-tired.

Why did the lawyer carry a black pen? In case they needed to draw their own lines.

I don't have a dark sense of humor, I have a morbidly obese one.

Why did the ghost go to the party? He heard it would be a dead good time.

I told my wife she should get a hobby to pass the time. She took up necromancy.

I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just collecting dust.

I asked the butcher if he had a knife that could cut through bone. He said, 'No, this one is just a veal deal.'

Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field...of work.

I asked the librarian for a book on psychology. She said, 'It's due back in two weeks.'

I know a lot of jokes about retired people...but none of them work.

Why was the orphan ghost so quiet? Because it had no one to boo.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he knew how to keep a straight face.

Why did the burglar take a shower? He wanted a clean getaway.

Why did the hotdog turn down a job offer? It couldn't ketchup with the workload.

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? He’s still recovering.

I bought the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should throw parties.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? 'Surprise! Cleaning supplies.'

Why don't skeletons enjoy horror movies? They find them rib-tickling.

Why did the astronaut quit social media? He needed space in his personal life.

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin mobile but with a cross signal.