What's the best way to get gum out of your hair? Cancer.

Why did the chicken join the seance? To talk to the other side.

What's the difference between a park bench and a priest? The park bench can support a family of four.

Why did the vampire get hired as a phlebotomist? He had a lot of experience drawing blood.

What's the best part about dating a homeless person? You can drop them off anywhere.

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She was just too needy.

What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? Putting the wheelchair back in the drawer.

Why was the serial killer so bad at baseball? He could never hit a home run, he was always stuck on third base.

Why did the waiter serve beer to the ghost? Alcohol spirits were requested.

What did one casket say to the other casket? 'Is that you coughing?'

How do you get a goth to do their chores? Tell them the vacuum sucks.

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes 'whack,' 'damn,' and a skydiver goes 'damn,' 'whack.'

Why was the belt arrested? It held up the wrong pair of pants.

Why did the painter only wear one sock? Because he wanted to keep one foot in reality.

I asked the doctor if he could fix my broken heart. He told me to get in line with the rest of his patients.

Do you know why you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it.

I asked the doctor if he could remove the invisible foot that's been kicking me in the butt. He told me to stop making things up.

Why did the clown go to jail? He got caught juggling the books.

I told my friend to always face his fears. Now he's facing charges.

I got a new job as a scarecrow, but I got fired for not having enough guts.

I asked my doctor if I could administer my own anesthesia before surgery. He said sure, knock yourself out.