Why did the burglar break into art school? He wanted to steal some frames.

I told my wife she should do lunges to stay in shape. She gave me the boot.

I ordered a chicken and an egg online. Let's just say I'm still waiting for the egg to hatch.

I ordered a chicken and an egg online. It still hasn't arrived, but I'm not worried. I'm patient.

Why did the burglar break into the bakery? He heard they had cakes with filet filling.

Why do mathematicians never get cold? They're experts at freezing point.

Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep? Because of his coffin.

I asked the blacksmith if he makes swords. He said, 'Actually, I prefer to forge relationships.'

I spent all my money on a glass coffin. Now I can't afford to bury my debts.

I yelled into the forest, 'I'm not scared of you!' and heard a voice say, 'Then why are you shaking?'

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, but she hugged her ex instead.

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not quite sure.

I told my therapist I have a fear of giants. She told me 'Feefi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an excellent patient.'

I'm not saying my neighbor is a hoarder, but you can't even see his mailbox through all the pizza boxes.

I took up meditation to help with my anxiety. It's not working, but now I can ignore it peacefully.

The best thing about elevator jokes is that they work on so many levels.

I told my wife she should try skydiving. She asked me if I had a parachute.

I asked the doctor if he could recommend something for my extreme paranoia. He whispered, 'I can't tell you right now.'

Never trust a mirror. They're always reflecting the worst in you.

My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, but I gave her super glue instead. She's still not talking to me.

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they can't be trusted; they make up everything.