I told the police I found a dead body in my trunk. They said, 'Sir, that's your wife.'

I asked my wife if she wanted to try something kinky. She said, 'Sure, let's dress up as life insurance salesmen.'

Why do vampires avoid barbers? They don't want anyone to shave their necks.

I went to the doctor and said I was losing my mind. He said, 'Don't worry, we'll find it during the autopsy.'

Why did the scarecrow go to therapy? He had a crippling fear of crows pecking out his eyes.

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She was too much of a pain in the neck.

My wife said she wanted to be cremated. I said, 'I guess that means we won't be having a BBQ.'

Why did the skeleton get a job at a graveyard? He wanted to bury the competition.

I told my wife she should try some self-improvement books. She said, 'I think you could use a few more trips to the library.'

Why don't zombies play hide and seek? Because good luck hiding when you smell like decay.

Why did the vampire go to the doctor? He was coffin all the time.

I went to a haunted house and they said it was so scary, people were dying to get in. I said, 'So it's just like marriage.'

I asked my doctor for some weight loss advice. He told me to chop off my head.

I found out my therapist has been seeing other patients. I guess you could say I have separation anxiety.

I bought a cemetery plot, but you could say it's a real dead investment.

My wife walked in on me having dinner with my mistress. Looks like my secret recipe is out.

I asked the devil for a loan. He said he couldn't because my credit was already in hell.

I tried to donate blood today, but they told me my blood type was 'salsa.'

I told my psychiatrist about my fear of giant, green, fire-breathing insects. He said I have a dragonfly phobia.

I asked the magician to make me disappear. He told me to look in the mirror and face reality.

I told my wife she should be more adventurous in bed. Now she's dating a mountain climber.