I used to be a proctologist, but I got tired of always being bummed out.

I told my girlfriend she should try stand-up comedy. She said, 'Why? You seem to be getting all the laughs.'

I went to a punk concert, but it turned out to be a no-show. Guess I should have expected anarchy in the UK.

I tried to join the Flat Earth Society, but they said I just couldn't think outside the globe.

I asked the doctor if he could help me cure my addiction to stealing road signs. He said, 'Take one of these eight lefts.'

I told the doctor I felt like a pack of cards. He said, 'Sit down, I'll deal with you later.'

They say laughter is the best medicine, which is why I laugh at my bank account.

I told my wife she should try to see the bright side of things. She ended up staring at the sun for hours.

Why was the stadium so cold? It had a lot of fans.

I asked my doctor if I should take up a new hobby. He suggested grave digging.

Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two tired from all the exercise.

Why don't scientists trust DNA evidence? Because it's all in the genes.

I used to be a train conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't qualified.

I asked the doctor if I would live to be 100. He said, 'I doubt it. That's the point.'

I told my wife she should frame the first dollar she ever made. She looked puzzled, so I explained, 'That’s just some sound financial advice.'

Why did the funeral director go out of business? He just couldn't urn a living.

I asked the psychic if she could predict my death. She said, 'I see a lot of darkness... oh wait, that's just your humor.'

Why did the graveyard become a popular hangout spot? It had killer ambiance.

Why did the morgue hire a comedian? They needed someone to bring the dead to life.

I told my wife I wanted to be buried in a pirate costume. She said, 'Even in death, you're still searching for buried treasure.'

Why did the zombie break up with his girlfriend? She just couldn't handle his deadpan humor.