I was reading a new book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. It was the biggest letdown of my life.

What do you call a fish wearing a crown? Salmonela.

Where do ghosts buy their food? At the ghost-ery store.

Why did the onion start crying? Because it saw the salad dressing.

My wife complained that I never buy her flowers. So I bought her a cactus. Now she'll have something to thank me for.

When I told my wife I was going to start a burial business, she said, 'That's the dead end of entrepreneurship.'

I used to play chess with my friend until I found out he was cheating. So I took away his rook.

People who take everything literally are the absolute worst. No pun intended.

I told my friend I had a split personality. He didn't believe me, so I had to convince myself.

People who take care of chickens are literal peckers.

Did you hear about the kidnapped cow? They were udderly terrified.

Why was the hipster always crying? His tears were too mainstream.

What did the Dalmatian say after eating? That hit the spot.

Do you know where you can find a chicken with no legs? Right where you left it.

Why is a computer so smart? It listens to its motherboard.

Why did the Ghost go to the party? He heard it was gonna be boooo-sy.

What does a zombie vegetarian eat? 'GRRRAAAIIINS!'

Do you know why skeletons are so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.

Why was the musician in trouble? They were caught for fingering A Minor.

Why did the skeleton go to the party? He heard it was pivotal.