My friend died by falling off a cliff, but I think it was just a mountain out of molehill.

I can't stand people who take drugs. You know, like customs officers.

I told my wife she should do more cleaning. So she moved out!

I saw a sign that said 'Cemetery Parking Only'. Confused, I thought, 'That's dead wrong!'

My wife said she wanted me to tease her. So I said, 'Alright, fatty.'

I'm thinking of opening a bakery for toddlers. I'll call it 'Knead for Speed'.

Why did the burglar rob a bakery? He needed the dough.

I used to be a baker, but things took a sourdough turn.

I'm on a medication that makes me hallucinate. Sometimes I don't even know if the medication is real.

I lost my job as a psychic because I didn't see it coming.

I once dated a baker, but she broke up with me because I kneaded too much space.

I used to play piano by ear, until I accidentally sat on the music sheet and broke my glasses.

Why did the hipster drown? He went ice skating before it was cool.

I lost my job at the calendar factory because I took a couple of days off.

I'm writing a book about hurricanes, it's tear-jerking.

I once dated a clown, but we broke up because our relationship just wasn't funny anymore.

I told my therapist that I have a fear of giants. He told me to just take big steps.

I invited my math teacher to my barbecue. He showed up with a protractor, claiming he heard there would be a lot of angles.

I accidentally burned down my neighbor's house. Well, technically the fire did.

I bought a refrigerator for my wife. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

My wife and I agreed to live without each other. We're using separate continents.