I jokingly asked my wife if she wanted to hear a joke about construction. She said, 'No, I'm still waiting for the punchline of our marriage.'

I told my wife she should try yoga. She said, 'I'm already bending over backwards for you.'

I've always been a people person, but they turned out to be the root of all my problems.

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She was just too much of a handful.

I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust.

I have a split personality. Fortunately, neither of them like you.

I asked the waiter for a quick joke with my meal. He said, 'Sorry, we don't serve fast food here.'

I told my wife she should take up boxing for exercise. She knocked me out with one punch.

I accidentally uploaded a photo of my credit card to Facebook. Now even strangers can see my humiliation.

My doctor told me I'm pre-diabetic. I said, 'Isn't that just a fancy way of saying I'm a winner?'

I walked into a bar and saw a guy with no arms hanging above the door. I asked the bartender what happened. He said, 'He isn't allowed to drink here anymore.'

I asked the fortune teller to predict how many kids I'll have. She said, 'I don't know, do you want me to look at your palm?'

I brought my vacuum cleaner to the park. It really sucks at picking up chicks.

I joined the sensitive men's club. We meet every Tuesday night, but no one ever shows up.

I told everyone about my fear of stairs. They said it's a common case of step-dophobia.

I was at a funeral when I couldn't help but overhear the priest say, 'Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.' So I whispered to my buddy, 'Look, free dirt.'

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing 'I'm a Believer,' but then I saw her face.

People who say they suffer from constipation are full of shit.

I told my computer I needed a break, but it said 'No, you have to press Enter.'

After years of studying, I finally became a successful archaeologist. My career is in ruins.

I asked the doctor if he could help me breathe underwater. He said, 'Do you have gills?' I said, 'No, but I have a lot of bills!'