I like my coffee like I like my humor. Dark.

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

My son asked me to stop singing Wonderwall. I said maybe.

I told my psychiatrist I was having suicidal thoughts. He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I like to spend my weekends playing hide and seek. It's been 23 years, and my dad still hasn't found me.

Why did the librarian win an award? She knows all the bookworms by their covers.

Why don't skeletons ride roller coasters? They don't have the guts for it.

What did one cannibal say to the other while eating a clown? This tastes funny.

Why did the vampire get hired as a dentist? He always had a toothy smile.

What's the best part about gardening? Getting down and dirty with the soil.

Why did the computer catch a cold? It had a bad case of the bytes.

What's the best place to hide money from a zombie? Underneath the mattress, they never check there.

Why did the chicken join a band? It had the best drumsticks in town.

What did the doctor say to the sick boat? It has the flu.

Why did the mathematician break up with his girlfriend? Because she was too mean.

I told my wife she should do more lunges. She told me to take a big step off a short pier.

I told my wife she should do more cardio. She ripped my heart out and ran away.

I asked the doctor for some painkillers. He handed me a mirror and said, 'Look at yourself.'

I gave up jogging for health reasons. My thighs rubbed together and sparked a fire.

I tried to sue the airline for misplacing my luggage, but I lost my case.

I told my wife she should do more squats. She told me to kiss her ass goodbye.