Last night I dreamt I was drowning in an ocean of orange soda. It took me a while to realize it was just a Fanta-sea.

I walked into a spider web this morning and broke the world record for the fastest 100-meter dash.

I heard oxygen and magnesium are dating. I think they might be a good match, but I'm not positive.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me tighter.

I thought about becoming a chef, but I didn't have the thyme.

I tried to write a book on reverse psychology, but I couldn't convince myself to finish it.

My wife told me to stop singing 'Sweet Home Alabama'. But I'm from Alabama, that's where I belong!

I tried to become a baker, but I kept getting burned out.

I tried to join a cult that believed in the healing power of rocks. Turns out it was a sham. They were just taking minerals for granite.

I joined a gym for the first time and asked the trainer to show me how to use the equipment. He said, 'Use it like you stole it.'

My wife yelled at me for not opening the car door for her. So I just swam to the surface.

I have a joke about unemployment, but it still needs some work.

I accidentally used invisible ink in my resignation letter. I guess it's not worth anything anymore.

They say laughter is the best medicine. That's probably why several of my patients died of tuberculosis.

I have a joke about a broken pencil, but there's no point in telling it.

I live in constant fear that my grandmother will find out about my gambling problem. Because she always has the best poker face.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. I'm happy to announce we're expecting our first child.

I lost my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

I failed my biology test because I couldn't find the stomach for it.

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

I used to be a baker until I went to knead therapy.