Why did the skeleton get buried in the cemetery? Because he kept throwing too many bone-chilling puns.

I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I'm on a murder mystery diet. I've already lost three days.

I used to have a handle on life, but now it seems like it's broken.

I got fired from the calendar factory for taking a day off.

Why did the serial killer break up with his girlfriend? She just wasn't his type of prey.

What do you call a parade at a graveyard? A dead march.

What's a pirate's favorite letter? Arrr, you may think it be R, but his first love be the C.

Why don't scientist trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

I told my computer I needed a break, so it gave me a running screen saver.

I told my therapist that I feel like no one pays attention to me. He didn't hear me, but that's okay.

I accidentally swallowed a lot of food coloring. The doctor says I'm ok, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

I got a job at a bakery to make ends meet.

I finally told my computer that I loved it. It said I was not in its preferred network.

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me, 'Nothing would make her happier.' I was overjoyed.

I thought about pursuing a career as a locksmith, but I couldn't find the key to success.

I told my therapist about my fear of ambiguity. She said, 'That's unclear.'

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more, especially when I win.

My new phone is waterproof, so I took it into the shower to test it. The phone survived, I didn't.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated when I die. She replied, 'Sure, and then what? Scatter your ashes all over the house?'

I used to be a cat person until I adopted a dog. Now I'm a dog person. Also, now I'm single.