I took up boxing to fight my inner demons. Turns out they have a pretty good left hook.

I went to a restaurant that served 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I showed up to the wrong funeral. Everyone got really upset when I untied the balloons.

I asked my wife if she wanted to role play in bed. She handed me a robe and said, 'Here, be the undertaker.'

I asked the doctor if he could help me with my drinking problem. He said, 'Sure, just try to keep the ice cubes away from your nose.'

My grandma said she's taking up cycling to stay healthy. Good thing she's already in the perfect position for rigor mortis.

I started a new job as a funeral director. It's a dead-end job, but at least it has great turnover.

I told my psychiatrist that I'm feeling suicidal. He told me from now on, I have to pay in advance.

I told my wife she should be more spontaneous. Now she's filing for divorce.

I've always wanted to be a necrophiliac, but I just can't get into cold relationships.

Why did the vampire get hired as a photographer? He always takes a good neck-shot.

I asked my wife what's for dinner. She said, 'Anything as long as it's not you.'

I tried to be a vegan, but it didn't work out. I just couldn't resist the urge to slaughter vegetables.

I went to the doctor with a sore throat. He said it's because of all the screaming I did in my sleep.

I told my boss I couldn't come in to work because I was sick. He said, 'How sick?' I said, 'Sick of working.'

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I have a bright future... in organ donation.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She said, 'I hope you're not expecting a hot time.'

I asked the genie in the lamp for a long-lasting relationship. Now I'm dating a zombie.

I tried to make a reservation at the library, but they said they were fully booked. So I burned it down.

I'm no weatherman, but you can expect more than a few inches tonight.

Why did the graveyard get a lot of visitors? People were dying to get in.