I asked my wife if she thinks I'm too reliant on technology. She said 'No, your phone is right here.'

Why couldn't the vampire find a date? He always gets cold feet.

I have a joke about chemistry, but it's sodium funny.

I tried to take a selfie at the crematorium, but I lack the ashes.

I opened a bakery that specializes in bread puns. It's my knead of the day.

Why did the scarecrow refuse to go to the bowling alley? He was afraid of the corn pin.

Why do scientists trust atoms over people? They make up everything.

Why did the snowman call the cops? He was being hit by a blizzard.

Did you hear about the claustrophobic French chef? He was always in a crepe.

Why did the Archaeopteryx catch the worm? Because it was an early bird.

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush.

What's the best way to count cows? With a cowculator.

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None.

What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield? Its butt.

Why don't skeletons fight in wars? They don't have the guts.

Why don't vampires get lost in the woods? They have count-less Navigation skills.

Why did the baby cross the road? It was stapled to the chicken.

Why did the math book look homeless? It had too many problems.

What's the best part about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs.

I told my friend I saw a ghost. He said 'that's impossible'. I said 'so is your chance of ever finding true love'.