I once dated a baker, but she broke up with me. She said I kneaded too much space.

I bought a new thesaurus. It's terrible. Not terrible, I mean atrocious. Not atrocious, I mean...

I told my friend she should start a cooking channel. She took it with a pinch of salt.

I accidentally drank some food coloring. Now I feel like I'm dying on the inside.

My wife asked me to help her create a bucket list. Apparently, 'Buckets' was not the right answer.

I was feeling a little down, so I went to the pet store and bought some light bulbs. It really brightened my day.

I got a job as a historian. It has its ups and downs.

I have a joke about a roof, but it's over your head.

I own a bakery that exclusively sells burnt bread. I call it my 'toast' business.

I was diagnosed with color blindness yesterday. I knew something was wrong when I couldn't see the red flags.

I tried to organize a hide and seek competition, but it turns out good players are really hard to find.

I asked the gym instructor for help doing sit-ups. He just laughed and said, 'It's easy, just sit up.'

I asked my wife for a cup of coffee. She told me to make it myself because she’s not my slave. So I made it myself. Turns out, I’m not very good at making coffee without being tied up.

I hate people who take drugs. Customs especially.

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. The whole room is still standing.

Why did the ghost go to the bar? For the boos. He needed a drink after a haunting day.

What is a vampire's favorite fruit? A blood orange, it's to die for.

I found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came out of the purple, or was it blue?

Why do skeletons avoid confrontations? They just don't have the guts to stand up for themselves.

My wife told me I was too casual. So, I put on a suit and tie, but she said 'No, that's not what I meant.'

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator, searching for the swamp's secrets.