What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

I asked the doctor for a second opinion, so he Googled my symptoms.

I told my therapist that I have a fear of the unknown, and he left the room without saying a word.

Why did the vampire break up with his girlfriend? He found her a little vein.

I bought a coffin online, but it came with a 'no assembly required' sticker. I guess you could say it was to die for.

I found a list of people who owe me money. It's my burial plot.

They say you are what you eat. That's why I avoid skeletons in the closet.

I told my wife she should only prepare a meal if she's willing to die for it. She made a few reservations.

I accidentally stepped on my cat's tail and apologized. It said, 'No worries, I'm feline fine.'

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying, 'This isn't working.' So I opened the fridge. The light came on, the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

I adopted a dog from the shelter, but it turned out he was a married man in a previous life.

I finally quit my job as a fruit ninja. Those pomegranates were just too good at dodging my blade.

I asked the doctor if he could help me stop seeing imaginary people. He told me to grow up and stop believing in ghosts.

My therapist told me to embrace my anger, so I hugged it out with the guy who stole my lunch from the office fridge.

I always feel better after a good cry. Unless it's at a funeral.

I love to start my day with a good cup of coffee and a hearty dose of existential dread.

I told my wife she should learn to appreciate dark humor. She laughed and said, 'I married you, didn't I?'

I wanted to be a hairstylist for bald eagles, but the market was just too niche.

I tried to join a cult once, but they said I was too independent-minded. So I started my own cult instead.

I tried to be a vegetarian, but I just couldn't beet it.

I like my coffee like I like my humor... dark, bitter, and best served with a side of pain.