I asked the Grim Reaper if we could compromise on my soul. He said, 'Take it or leave it.'

I have a joke about construction, but I'm afraid I'm still working on it.

I accidentally drank some invisible ink. I'm feeling quite transparent about it.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hand grenade.

I was walking through the cemetery and saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. I said, 'morning!' He said, 'No, just taking a dump.'

I was diagnosed with a rare disease where I can't stand to be in a room with a broken vacuum. It's called Dyson-osis.

I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me paying the bills, fixing the sink, and picking up the kids from school.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a jar of poison.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a chainsaw.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a guillotine.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a razor blade.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a toaster in the bathtub.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a pack of cigarettes.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a bottle of pills.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a loaded gun.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a vial of poison.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a butcher knife.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve time travelers here.'

I heard Steve Jobs didn't like talking about his new iPhone before it was released. Apparently, he had a real dead-silence policy.

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in a car crash? He's all right now.