I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was counterproductive and only made my pants fall down more.

My girlfriend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. It was a serious flaming-go moment.

I tried to catch fog yesterday, but the fog outsmarted me and left me in a cloud of confusion.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She suggested I start with accepting her cooking.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? Maybe it's time to address the underlying balance issues.

I always knock on the fridge before opening it, just in case the leftover lasagna is feeling chatty.

I have a fear of speed bumps. It's a bumpy ride with trust issues.

I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's so profound, it keeps lifting my spirits higher.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me and whispered, 'You were my biggest one.'

I walked into a bar and ordered a drink. The bartender said, 'Sorry, we don't serve time travelers here.'

I went to a workout class for the first time. The instructor shouted 'Stay down!' so I did, lying on the floor the whole time.

I decided to change my name to Simon. It was a simon-says kind of thing.

I tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the mirror fogged up. Just like my future.

I was so bad at hide and seek as a child, my parents forgot to pick me up one time.

I asked my doctor for some painkillers. He said, 'Sure, start with marriage.'

I always knew I'd end up alone. But I never thought it'd be by choice.

I went to see a psychic to learn about my future. She said, 'I don't have that kind of time.'

I bought a dog to help me with my depression. Now my therapist has competition.

I asked the doctor if I'd live a long life. He said the choice is mine. So I did the math. I chose a short life.

I always knew my ex was missing me... but when I checked the trunk, she was still there.

I told my wife she should do her own thing. So she moved out and started dating the neighbor.