Why did the pharmacist go broke? He lost interest.

I told my wife she should try skydiving. She said, 'No way, that's where I draw the line.'

I asked the doctor if he could remove my memory. He said he could, but it might be a bit mind-numbing.

I told my therapist about my kleptomania. He told me to take something for it.

I accidentally swallowed a coin. My doctor said it was the change I needed.

Why do serial killers always wear a mask? So they don't catch anything.

I accidentally ate a piece of string. It came to me as a bit of a surprise.

My job as a funeral director is so stressful. I'm buried in work.

I once dated a magician, but he disappeared on me. Turns out he was just pulling a disappearing act.

Why did the vampire get an F in math? He was caught sucking on too many necks during the test.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She suggested I rest in pieces instead.

I called the suicide hotline, but they put me on hold. Looks like even they don't want to deal with my problems.

I asked the fortune teller if she could predict my future. She looked into her crystal ball and said, 'You don't have one.'

I always knew I was going to be a comedian when I made the first grave mistake of my life.

I asked the Grim Reaper for his autograph, but he said his signature was to die for.

I told my therapist about my dark humor addiction. He couldn't handle it, so now I'm all alone in the padded room.

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too morbid. I guess we just couldn't see eye to eye... or any other body part.

I used to be a butcher, but I just couldn't cut it. Now I'm out of a job and my puns are getting butchered.

I told my psychiatrist I'm having dark thoughts. He suggested I install a dimmer switch in my brain.

I always thought it would be cool to be a mortician, but the job has a real dead-end feel to it.

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? He said she left a bad taste in his mouth.