What's the difference between a cat and a comma? Cats have claws at the end of their paws, commas have a pause at the end of a clause.

Did you hear about the pessimist who hates German sausage? He always fears the wurst.

A mother gave her son a dictionary for his birthday. That day, he couldn't find the words to thank her.

I used to play football, but I was kicked off the team for excessive mourning.

I asked the butcher for a discount on sausages. He said he couldn't make links.

Why did the farmer go to therapy? He had too many issues with commitment.

I told my wife she should try skydiving. She said the relationship was already falling fast enough.

Why was the cheetah always depressed? It could never spot a good joke.

I ordered a chicken and an egg online. The delivery came first.

Why did the scarecrow refuse promotion? It didn't want to be outstanding in its field.

I told my wife she should try water polo. She said the horses were too hard to ride.

Why did the vampire start a music career? He wanted to bring the blood-pumping beats.

I entered a pun contest, but no pun in ten did.

I told the baker to stop loafing around. He got a rise out of that.

I asked my therapist for advice on buying a new car. He said I had too many issues with commitment.

Why did the scarecrow keep getting promoted? It was outstanding in fields of work.

I told my wife she should try gymnastics. She said she couldn't do a single flip.

Why did the burglar break up with the ghost? They couldn't find a happy medium.

I called the baker, but he couldn't rise to the occasion.

I told the doctor to stop making jokes in the operating room. He said, 'I'm just trying to keep the atmosphere light.'

Why did the sea creature start a stand-up comedy career? It wanted to test the waters.