My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. Well, you don't just put your foot down.

I hate it when people mix up 'chef' and 'cook'. It's like saying Einstein and Terminator are the same because they both involve 'machines'.

My wife left me because I'm insecure. No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of tea.

I have a terrible fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.

I tried to start a Kickstarter to raise money for electric fences. It didn't go well.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

My wife accused me of being addicted to TV series. I said, 'No honey, I'm committed'.

I realized I was color blind when I couldn't find the yellow M&M in a bag. It turns out yellow M&M's are green.

I told my wife she should do puzzles to exercise her brain. She had too many pieces to put together.

I told my wife she should do sit-ups to tone her stomach. She said, 'Why stand up to sit down?'

Why do skeletons never lie? Because they don't have the guts.

Why did the scarecrow go into marketing? He was outstanding in his field.

Why don't witches wear panties? They need to grip the broomstick.

Why was the math book happy? It finally found a solution.

Why do skeletons never go on vacation? They don't have the stomach for it.

Why do graveyards have gates? People are dying to get in.

I asked the doctor if he could help me with my fear of elevators. He said he could take me to the next level.

I told my therapist about my fear of moving staircases. He said it's an escalating problem.

I watched a documentary on beavers the other day. Best dam program I've ever seen.

What's the best part about living in Switzerland? I'm not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

Why was the gym a good investment? It had great muscle memory.