I told a chemistry joke at a party. There was no reaction.

Why did the vampire become a musician? He had a lot of 'bites'.

I told my wife she should start a garden. She said she's 'not rooted' in that idea.

Why did the chicken go to the seance? To talk to Colonel Sanders.

Why was the belt arrested? For holding up a pair of pants at gunpoint.

What's the difference between boy scouts and Jews? Boy scouts come back from camp.

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

I accidentally took two Viagra pills. Now my wife is wondering why I'm so hard to get along with.

I lost my job at the bank on my first day. I caught someone putting $500 in his pocket. I told him I want my cut.

I told my wife she should do more cardio. So she started chasing me with a knife.

I told my wife she should learn to juggle. Now she's juggling multiple lovers.

I told my wife she should try some self-defense classes. I haven't seen her since.

I told my wife she should run a marathon. She said, 'I'm already running away from my problems'.

I told my wife she should stop hoarding kitchen appliances. She told me to take a whisk.

I told my wife she should take up boxing. Now she's fighting me for custody.

Why did the ghost go to the party? For the 'booze'.

I told my wife she should try skydiving. She said she'd rather skydive alone.

I told my wife she should learn to play the drums. Now she's just beating around the bush.

I asked my wife if she wanted to spice things up in the bedroom. She brought hot sauce.

I asked the doctor for some painkillers, but he just gave me a mirror.

I told my therapist about my obsession with revenge. He asked 'When will this end?' I said 'I'll tell you when I've had my vengeance'.