Why did the chicken join a cult? To avoid the frying pan.

I told my wife she should learn to appreciate the little things in life. Now she's dating a dwarf.

My wife told me I should do lunges to get in shape. That would be a big step forward.

I heard oxygen and magnesium were going out, and I'm like 'OMg!'.

Why did the baker go to therapy? He had too many breakdowns.

Why did the chicken join a cult? To escape the pecking order.

Why was the broom late? It swept past the clock.

Why was the broom running late? It swept past the clock.

Why did the vampire subscribe to the newspaper? He heard it had great circulation.

Why did the snake break up with the measuring tape? It was too clingy.

Why did the skeleton go to the dance? To show off his bone-a-fide moves.

Why did the ghost go to the party? He heard it was going to be a boo-nanza!

I told my therapist that I have a fear of speed bumps. She offered me some counseling, but I said, 'No thanks, I'm already seeing a speed therapist.'

I told my wife she should open up more. She told me to take a look at the cabinets.

What's the best part about dating a homeless girl? You can drop her off anywhere.

I asked the guy on the train if he had any newspapers. He said, 'Bro, it's 2021, use my phone.'

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.

What's the difference between a baby and a sandwich? One screams when you put it in the microwave.

What's the difference between cancer and Black Lives Matter? Cancer gets results.

What's the hardest part about being a pedophile? Fitting in.

Why did the little girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.