I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She responded by hugging my best friend.

Why did the coffin break up with the bed? It felt smothered.

I told my therapist I had a fear of marriage. She asked me where it all started.

Why did the burglar take a shower before the heist? He wanted to clean up his act.

Why was the calendar always anxious? It heard its days were numbered.

I told my therapist about my dark sense of humor. She suggested I tour comedy clubs and funerals.

I finally got around to cleaning out my spice rack. It was a little thyme-consuming.

I organized a game of hide and seek, but nobody showed up. I guess they're good at hiding.

Why was the belt arrested? For holding up a pair of pants... and supporting criminal activities.

I like my coffee like I like my humor: dark and bitter... and free of any sugar-coating.

Why was the coffee nervous? It had too much caffeine... and too many secrets.

I don't play hide and seek with owls. They're too good at keeping things hoot.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated when I die. She told me I'll be the hottest man in the afterlife.

I told my therapist about my fear of rejection. She didn't believe me.

Why did the scarecrow become a neurosurgeon? He was outstanding at cutting heads off.

Why do cemeteries have gates? People are dying to get in.

I told my wife she should be the one to initiate intimacy every once in a while. Now I sleep with one eye open.

Why do graves have fences around them? Because people are dying to get in.

I told my wife she should try to spice things up in the bedroom. Now she's convinced I'm a cannibal.

I told my wife she should listen to her heart. Now she's suing me for wiretapping.

Why did the burglar break into the bakery? He heard they had cakes with removable bottoms.