I asked my friend to help me with a puzzle. He added alcohol to the mix. Now it's a drunk puzzle... or a drinking problem.

I'm planning on telling a joke about concussions, but it might go over your head.

Why did the vampire get hired as a banker? He could always make a withdrawal.

I told my therapist about my dark humor addiction. He laughed and said, 'We'll work on it... eventually.'

I don't have a dark sense of humor. I have a light sense of death.

I have a split personality - one half is optimistic, the other is just sadistic.

My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill. So, I sent him a 'get well soon' card.

I asked the Doctor if he could recommend something for my constant headaches. He suggested decapitation.

I started a new job as a graveyard security guard, but the pay was just tombstone.

My uncle was a professional carpenter, he had everything nailed down.

I used to work at a calendar factory, but my boss fired me for taking days off.

I dreamt about drowning in an ocean made of orange soda. It took me a while to realize it was just a Fanta sea.

What do you do with dead chemistry jokes? Barium.

I overheard a conversation between two onions. It brought tears to my eyes.

Why was the belt arrested? It held up a bank and looked suspicious.

I told my friend I was thinking of buying a cemetery plot. He said, 'That's the last thing you'll need.'

A baby seal walks into a club...

I recently got stabbed in the back by a friend. Luckily, there was a doctor in the house – my friend's a real cut-up.

I'm not saying my neighborhood is rough, but last night I saw an old lady get mugged... and she was robbing the guy back!

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

I’ve been wanting to go to the roof ever since I got here. It’s just never been the right time.