I have a fear of hurdles, but I'm overcoming it.

I called the animal shelter and asked if there were any dogs going. They said, 'Just the usual, sir.'

My wife told me she's leaving me because I morph into my father. That's a low blow.

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust.

I asked the Grim Reaper for a group discount. He said, 'Sure, but that's a grave decision.'

My friend got sunburned badly, so I suggested he use aloe vera. He said he doesn't speak Spanish.

I told my wife she should be more affectionate. She said I'm the one who needs to change – I'm the one always asleep during cuddle time.

I asked the doctor to make my death certificate say, 'I died of being awesome.'

I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. That's how I lost my job as a driver.

I asked the electrician if he had any current projects. He sparked up and left.

When you adopt a pet, you're just postponing the inevitable heartbreak.

Don't worry, everything happens for a reason, even if that reason is your poor decision-making skills.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It'll eventually kill your dog.

Life is full of ups and downs. You know, because of gravity.

Why did the broom go to therapy? It was swept under the rug too many times.

Make sure your parachute is packed properly. It's your last chance to make a good impression.

My friend thinks he's smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

I hate insects puns, they really bug me.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me back.

They say laughter is the best medicine. That's why I laugh when I visit the pharmacy.

I own a bakery that exclusively sells dark humor cakes. The business is a grave success.