My wife suggested we try a role-playing game in bed. So I'm standing at the foot of the bed in a knight costume as she tells me to leave.

I asked the doctor for some peace and quiet in the hospital. He gave me a morphine drip.

I called the animal shelter today and said, 'I've found six kittens in a suitcase. Is that illegal?' They said, 'No, but it's not very nice.'

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring yesterday. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

My friend got hit in the head with a can of soda. He was lucky it was a soft drink.

I took my dog to the vet because it wasn't moving. The vet said it was in a 'cat'-atonic state.

I just found out my friend's got a peanut allergy. It's a shame, he was nuts.

I found a wallet with $1000 in it and decided to do the right thing. I turned it into wine.

I told my wife she should do lunges to stay in shape. That would have been a great advice if she hadn't died 10 years ago.

I asked the doctor if I have any superpowers. He said I have the power to kill a mood in 10 seconds flat.

I finally quit my job as a psychic. It was just time to move on.

I told my wife she shouldn't feel threatened by my Nintendo addiction. She said, 'Why, because you'll pause it and come to bed?'.

I used to belt out Frank Sinatra in the shower. It was my soap opera.

I heard oxygen and potassium went on a date. It went OK.

I asked my wife if she was an angel. She said no, but she's used to hearing people call her heavenly.

I asked the doctor for some sleeping pills. He gave me a pillow and a locket.

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She didn't like his mother.

I heard the local cemetery was offering a grave digging scholarship. It's a dying profession.

Why did the scarecrow break up with his girlfriend? She was too straw-ng headed.

I told my therapist I have a fear of the unknown. He told me I was scared of my own shadow.

I used to be a waiter, but I couldn't handle the stress. Now I'm a carrier.