I tried to take up meditation, but I kept falling asleep. I guess you could say I have a 'killer' nap time routine.

My grandfather always said 'fight fire with fire'. That's probably why he got thrown out of the fire department.

I asked my boss for a stress ball at work. He handed me a photo of my paycheck.

Why did the lifeguard get fired? He couldn't keep his hands off the buoy.

I asked my wife if she wanted to watch a horror movie. She said, 'I already married you.'

I told my psychiatrist I was having suicidal thoughts. He charged me double.

I tried to donate blood, but they said my hemoglobin levels were at a zero. I guess I'm a real 'cold-blooded' person.

Why did the ghost go to the party alone? Because it had no body to go with.

Why did the coffin break up with the cemetery? It was just a dead relationship.

I asked the Grim Reaper for a week off. He told me he'd have to schedule some time to reaperate.

What do you call a vampire that's good at math? Count Dracula.

Why did the zombie skip school? He felt rotten.

I told the doctor I was losing my memory. He told me to pay in advance.

Why couldn't the skeleton go to the barbecue? He had no stomach for it.

What do you get when you cross a clown and a cannibal? A funny bone.

I told my family I wanted to be cremated. They got fired up about the idea.

Why do witches love Halloween? It's an excuse to get dressed up and fly on broomsticks.

I wanted to be a serial killer for Halloween, but I couldn't find enough cereal boxes.

Why did the burglar take a bath? So he could make a clean getaway.

I asked the devil for a light. He handed me a match made in hell.

I asked the morgue for a job, but they said they were dead serious.