I used to be a magician, but I disappeared too soon in my career.

I asked my doctor for advice on prolonging my life. He told me to take up smoking. It'll feel like an eternity.

I finally quit my job as a history teacher. I just couldn't see any future in it.

I'm doing a charity marathon for people who struggle to finish things. It's called 'Run for the Bus'.

How do you get a clown off a swing? Hit him with an axe.

A recent study shows that out of 2.3 million murders, only 3% are committed by someone they don't know.

I told my wife she should try cooking with wine. She didn't like the idea... She said the recipe called for olive oil.

I realized my wife was cheating on me when I found lipstick on my bullet.

I told my psychiatrist I was hearing voices. He said 'when do you hear these voices?' I said 'when I'm on the phone.'

My friend keeps telling me I'm in denial. At least I think that's what he's saying.

I told my therapist about my addiction to chocolate. He told me I needed to take a few steps back.

I asked the butcher if he had any dog meat. He said, 'No, we just serve food here.'

I told my girlfriend she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a paternity test.

I told my therapist I had a fear of giants. He asked if I were a little 'fee-fi-fo-fumophobic'.

I used to be a professional baker, but I couldn't rise to the occasion.

My ex-wife still misses me...but her aim is getting better.

Why don't necrophiliacs get invited to BBQs? They always bring the dead weight.

I joined the Flat Earth Society...but I got kicked out for being a round peg in a square hole.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he stuffed the competition.

I told my wife she should loosen up. So she untied the ropes and ran away.

I asked my wife if she wanted to try role-playing. She filed for divorce the next day.